


The Blind Houdini

by ivyfic



Category: Fantastic Four (Movieverse)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-11
Updated: 2007-06-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:09:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyfic/pseuds/ivyfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reed Richards is the most flexible man on the planet—no surprise he can fit both his feet in his mouth at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blind Houdini

**Author's Note:**

> For [](http://lokei.livejournal.com/profile)[**lokei**](http://lokei.livejournal.com/) for the ioan_ficathon. Prompt: "You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."  
>  Thanks to [](http://trakkie.livejournal.com/profile)[**trakkie**](http://trakkie.livejournal.com/) for a quickie beta.  
> 

Reed was a smart man—a brilliant man. Genius, even. But he was still the stupidest man Sue had ever met. That had been the death of their relationship the first time around, and Sue was willing to be indulgent of Reed's obliviousness if it meant not losing him again.

Reed was kind of like a child, Sue coached herself. He just needed a guiding hand every now and then. Someone to remind him to shave, change his shirt, and that normal people don't say that whiteboards are the most useful invention man has ever made.

Yes, she was willing to tolerate Reed's stupidities. Up to a point.

~*~

"Oh, man, have you seen the previews for this thing?" Johnny asked, tossing back a handful of popcorn. "Cars, explosions, babes—it's gonna be _awesome_."

Sue had finally convinced Reed to take her out on a date—a real date that didn't involve calculus at all. It had taken some subtle maneuvering and a lot of hints, like the post-it note on Reed's computer monitor that read: "Ask me to see a movie tonight. –S" Of course, even that didn't work out quite as she'd planned. Reed hadn't known what was playing and had asked Johnny. Johnny had invited himself along. And picked the movie—something with Vin Diesel.

They edged into the last three open seats, all the way on the side, and Sue made sure to sit between her brother and Reed. She'd been hoping there wouldn't be three seats left together in the theater and Johnny would have to sit somewhere else. No such luck. Of course, with the way things were going, she'd have probably ended up sitting by herself, with Johnny chewing Reed's ear off the whole film.

As the coming attractions started to play, Reed leaned over to Sue and stage whispered, "Do you have a vibrator?"

Johnny seemed to have inhaled a mouthful of popcorn and was laughing and choking at the same time.

Sue looked uncomfortably at the people in the row in front of her who had turned to watch. Reed was, of course, oblivious. It was at times like this that turning invisible really came in handy, but she'd fought too hard for this stupid date to give up on it now.

"A what?"

"A vib–"

"I know what you said," Sue cut him off. "Why are you asking right now?" She was trying to remain calm, but her voice had gone all high and she could feel how hot her cheeks were.

"Well, so we don't disturb the movie."

"What?" Sue squeaked.

Johnny was convulsing, tears coming to his eyes. Sue thought she heard a few people behind her snickering.

"If someone calls, it would be rude if—"

"Oooooh," Sue finally understood. "You mean, can I set my _phone_ to _vibrate_."

"Well, yes." Reed was looking at her utterly perplexed. "What did you think I was asking?"

Sue reached for her purse under her seat, dodging Reed's eye contact. "Why don't I just turn it off, then."

John finally seemed to be regaining control of himself. When Sue sat back in her chair, he leaned across her. "Reed, man, you are so my favorite person right now." He extended his palm. "Hit me."

Reed slapped it, but he kept looking between Johnny's grinning face and Sue, who was attempting to sit as low in the seat as possible.

"What did I say?"

~*~

Sue looked up from her computer when she heard Reed grab his keys. "Bye, Sue! I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Sue just nodded and looked back at the screen. She was double-checking base pairs to make sure everything had been entered properly and if she was interrupted again, she'd lose her place and have to start over. She saw Johnny coming out of the kitchen with a soda out of the corner of her eye. She should have known just to give up on work then.

"Whatcha doin'?" Johnny asked.

Reed stopped at the door. "Oh, I'm going to get a BJ."

Johnny stopped for a moment with the soda halfway to his mouth and blinked. Then a slow smile crept onto his face. "What, no BJs around here?"

"No," Reed looked at John, confused.

"Sue can't help you out?"

 _Oh, crap_ , Sue thought and gave up on the read-out on the computer screen. She'd only been half paying attention so far, but she knew that tone in her brother's voice and it did not lead to good things.

"Why would Sue have a BJ?"

"It's not _having_ a BJ," Johnny said smugly. "It's _getting_ a BJ that matters."

"Right," Reed said, his eyes flicking to Sue in a silent plea for help. He got this look in his eyes when he knew something was going on that his big brain didn't quite have a handle on. "Um…that's why I'm going to buy one."

"You have to pay for it?" Johnny said with an explosive laugh.

"Johnny—" Sue got up from her chair, a note of warning in her voice.

"Well, BJs aren't free," Reed answered.

"Oh, man," Johnny cackled, lounging back against the wall and looking at Reed like he was his favorite TV show.

"I don't—" Reed started.

"What," Sue cut him off, "exactly, is a BJ?"

"A barrage jammer, of course. I thought we could use one to block out external RF signals—" Sue held up a hand to stop him before he could start on a twenty-minute lecture about the importance of jamming radar telemetry to his work. Reed squinted suspiciously at Johnny. "What did you think I was talking about?"

"Oh, I just think a man should be able to get his BJs in the comfort of his own home. Right, Sue?" Before Sue could go after him, he'd disappeared down the hall and into his room.

"Did I— Did I miss something?" Reed asked, noticing the stony glare on Sue's face.

Sue plastered on a soothing smile and looked back at Reed. "Oh, no, nothing important. Have fun shopping for a new toy." She kissed him on the cheek and ushered him to the door. Reed still looked mystified, but Sue knew he'd forget all about it as soon as he had his hands on a new piece of technology.

~*~

"Why that rotten, low-down, dirty…" Sue could hear Reed sputtering from across the loft. He seemed to be searching for an appropriate epithet suitable for mixed company—Reed's mother had apparently washed his mouth out with soap enough for the lesson to sink in. "Sanchez!" Reed continued. He was crossing to Sue waving the latest issue of _The Journal of Physics D_. "That dirty— _Sanchez!_ "

Johnny popped his head in from the hallway. Why was he always around when Reed stuck his foot in his mouth?

"Did you see this?" Reed threw the journal down into Sue's lap, narrowly avoiding overturning her yogurt. "Dr. Hector Sanchez, that _liar_ , reports the discovery of positive interference of beta radiation in a closed system." He looked at Sue expectantly. She didn't quite know what Reed was driving at. "That's _my discovery!_ "

"Oh," Sue said.

"That's what I've been working on for the last four months!"

"How would he have—"

"I ran into him at that conference three weeks ago—"

"—and you told him what you were working on." Sue said, resting her forehead against her fingertips. "Reed, you've really got to learn that not all scientists are in it for the love of discovery."

"Yeah," Johnny chimed in. "Some are in it for money."

"You're not helping," Sue said.

"Well, obviously not Reed."

"Just wait until peer review," Reed continued. "His experimental protocols are completely off. I mean—use a Mach-Zehnder interferometer to collect data on neutrons? Ridiculous! Just _wait_ until they print my editorial."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want that... what did you call him?" Johnny coached.

"Dirty _Sanchez_ ," Reed hissed.

Johnny chuckled. "Right. Can't let a dirty sanchez—" He stopped mid-sentence. "You know? This is just too easy."

"Reed, I don't think you should keep saying that." Sue placed a soothing hand on Reed's arm.

"Why? It's what he _is_."

"No doubt," Johnny added.

"Um, honey? Dirty sanchez doesn't mean what I think you think it means."

"It doesn't?" Reed looked confused again. Sue stood and beckoned Reed a little closer. She couldn't believe she was actually explaining this, to _Reed_ of all people. She could see his cheeks turn bright red as she whispered in his ear. "Oh. _Oh_. Really? It—really? There's a term for that?"

Sue shrugged.

"Better question, Sis, why do you know the term for that?" Johnny asked.

"Why do you?" Sue shot back.

"I know everything."

Reed was as red as a tomato, or maybe one of those kick balls from elementary school. Ben emerged from his room, where he'd apparently been eavesdropping, and gently laid a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not nice to make fun of people denser than you?"

"What? I'm not dense," Johnny cried as Ben steered him out of the room.

When they were alone again, Reed looked at Sue, having a hard time meeting her eyes. "Uh…" Reed's voice cracked. "Dare I ask what a BJ is?"

Sue's smile spread slowly across her face. "Why don't I show you?"

**Author's Note:**

> A [barrage jammer](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barrage_jamming) is actually real, as are the other scientific terms, though I make no claim that they make sense when strung together in this order.
> 
> And for those curious, from _The Contemporary Dictionary of Sexual Euphemisms_ by Jordan Tate:  
>  **dirty sanchez** \- A sexual act in which the active participant inserts his/her finger into the anus of the recipient in order to coat the finger with feces and then proceeds to spread the feces onto the recipient's upper lip in the shape of a curled mustache. (often considered offensive)
> 
> And if you want to know what a blind Houdini is…no, you know, I can't even bring myself to type that.


End file.
